"Where to Start?" is about a sheltered boy, Darroll, that feels imprisoned by his father and mother. One day, when he went to public school for all of one day, his grandfather delivered him in an old sports car that fascinated him as a child. Later, when he died, his parents told him that the grandfather had sold it to pay off medical bills, and when he finds the grandfather's will, he runs from the house to find what rightfully belonged to him.
I liked the idea of the kingdom, prison, and home being the same general thing. You used some references to it later in the piece, but on the other hand, I think you could have played up the parallel more. I would have loved for you to use these three images to frame everything that can be done. I think this would give both a better sense of character and a better sense of his hatred of his home life.
On the other hand, the characters seem flat and the story thus seems incomplete. I believe an ending where nothing is resolved except the character's intention CAN work, but at the same time, everything else has to be perfect to make it work. Where the story is now, it seems like a story that ends midway through the plot. On the other hand, if you can make the decision to leave seem like a more monumental decision, then the success of his endeavor would seem less important.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Janelle Green - "Safe"
Music for this reading: Anastastia Prokhodko - Mamo
Janelle Green's "Safe" is about a college student that lives alone. Her parents divorced when she was ten-years-old, and ever since then, she's been taught and keen to hate men. When she began college, her father gave her dog to help protect her. This particular night, the main character finds her dog to be acting oddly, and when a man breaks in without the dog's intervention, the student is put through hell and almost raped.
I think the best part of this whole scene is the history you have given this character. She's extremely-round and her irrational fears are easily justified, although, I still found one scene to be bit much. Then again, it wasn't really that big of a deal. Another good part of the piece was the structure of the whole thing, the long paragraphs giving the sensation of somebody that was panicked and fearful. I bet it would be even more effective if you had smaller paragraphs at the beginning to show her usual thought process.
The character's use of the cell phone seems odd, to tell the truth. At first, she's too scared to grab it and use it. Then, she grabs it as she leaves her room to check on the health of her dog that she's worried about. Then, in her moment of greatest panic, she is able to use it and speak coherent sentences to the officer. I wonder if you should find a way to disable the cell phone, giving the story greater tension. Admittedly, it would have to change how you got to the end, but I know you could do it.
There was also one line on page five that really stood out as weird. "It was interesting because the mask he was wearing almost seemed familiar, but I was too scared to really think about it." That's not something I would be able to let go if I felt I was in mortal danger because, damn it, if I know the assailant, I'm going to call them out on it before they get me. It also seemed odd, based on what I got of her personality, that she would notice something like that and immediately let go of it. It would cause her more panic, at the very least.
Janelle Green's "Safe" is about a college student that lives alone. Her parents divorced when she was ten-years-old, and ever since then, she's been taught and keen to hate men. When she began college, her father gave her dog to help protect her. This particular night, the main character finds her dog to be acting oddly, and when a man breaks in without the dog's intervention, the student is put through hell and almost raped.
I think the best part of this whole scene is the history you have given this character. She's extremely-round and her irrational fears are easily justified, although, I still found one scene to be bit much. Then again, it wasn't really that big of a deal. Another good part of the piece was the structure of the whole thing, the long paragraphs giving the sensation of somebody that was panicked and fearful. I bet it would be even more effective if you had smaller paragraphs at the beginning to show her usual thought process.
The character's use of the cell phone seems odd, to tell the truth. At first, she's too scared to grab it and use it. Then, she grabs it as she leaves her room to check on the health of her dog that she's worried about. Then, in her moment of greatest panic, she is able to use it and speak coherent sentences to the officer. I wonder if you should find a way to disable the cell phone, giving the story greater tension. Admittedly, it would have to change how you got to the end, but I know you could do it.
There was also one line on page five that really stood out as weird. "It was interesting because the mask he was wearing almost seemed familiar, but I was too scared to really think about it." That's not something I would be able to let go if I felt I was in mortal danger because, damn it, if I know the assailant, I'm going to call them out on it before they get me. It also seemed odd, based on what I got of her personality, that she would notice something like that and immediately let go of it. It would cause her more panic, at the very least.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Jhumpa Lahiri - "Once in a Lifetime"
Jhumpa Lahiri's "Once in a Liftime" is about a young girl telling her perspective of meeting of cultures, of two families (one hers and one mine) that had been close but had been separated by a new culture for my parents, a culture they developed when we lived in Bombay, a culture more American than those that had lived in America.
Of course, the most interesting part of this story is the interesting use of the first- and second-person perspective to tell the tale. This does a couple things. First of all, it helps the reader to feel even more familiar with the culture than most of the readers would be. It stops the reader from feeling alienated by Indian culture in that way. It also creates a sense of nostalgia in the reader, despite the fact that the plotline of this story clearly did not happen to the any member of the audience. It also makes the loss of "my" mother at the end of the piece more poignant because it makes one put his/her mother in there in place of the woman that's in there.
Another interesting aspect of this piece is the time skips that begin and end the story. Both time skips alienate the two families, and both times, neither of them ever seem to reconcile besides the young narrator of the story. In fact, I would argue that by the end, the only tie between the two families is the tie the narrator feels for "my" family, and as I am me, a possible sense of attachment I have for the narrator and/or her family. It's a tie that can only been seen in the younger generation, as the parents are too distant from each other to be repaired.
The "you and I" narration of this story is something that I, as a writer, would love to attempt one time. It's a type of narration that seems to be expressly forbidden, but at the same time, expressly poignant in way that no other perspective can be. I would like to attempt to achieve that balance that allows for this poignancy.
Of course, the most interesting part of this story is the interesting use of the first- and second-person perspective to tell the tale. This does a couple things. First of all, it helps the reader to feel even more familiar with the culture than most of the readers would be. It stops the reader from feeling alienated by Indian culture in that way. It also creates a sense of nostalgia in the reader, despite the fact that the plotline of this story clearly did not happen to the any member of the audience. It also makes the loss of "my" mother at the end of the piece more poignant because it makes one put his/her mother in there in place of the woman that's in there.
Another interesting aspect of this piece is the time skips that begin and end the story. Both time skips alienate the two families, and both times, neither of them ever seem to reconcile besides the young narrator of the story. In fact, I would argue that by the end, the only tie between the two families is the tie the narrator feels for "my" family, and as I am me, a possible sense of attachment I have for the narrator and/or her family. It's a tie that can only been seen in the younger generation, as the parents are too distant from each other to be repaired.
The "you and I" narration of this story is something that I, as a writer, would love to attempt one time. It's a type of narration that seems to be expressly forbidden, but at the same time, expressly poignant in way that no other perspective can be. I would like to attempt to achieve that balance that allows for this poignancy.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Shelby Rice - "The Bleeps and Blips of Life"
Music for this reading: 4Fun - Love or Leave
Shelby Rices "The Bleeps and Blips of Life" is about the character Anna. Her father is in a coma in the hospital room, dying. She's always by his side. Then, her sister shows up, and the reader begins to learn about Anna's relationship to her family, her stubborn streak, and her broken relationship with her mother and sister.
I love the descriptions in this piece. The second paragraph of the first page was absolutely amazing because that's exactly what it's like, even though you barely realize it. I also really like the fullness of the characters Karen and Anna. I felt that I could understand them both and could try to take either side. At the same time, I felt that you completely villainized the mother, giving her no redeemable traits. I understand that from the narrator's perspective there aren't, but that doesn't mean you can't hide something redeeming in there for the reader to pick up.
I also really liked your use of dialogue. The line where Karen stumbled out that it might be a good idea to take their father off life support was perfect!
I also feel like I would have liked to see some actual interaction with the mother, just in a memory or something. Everything we get about the mother was told to us by one of the daughters, and we never really get to see the favoritism or the general badness for ourselves. It also seems that the only real reason that Anna dislikes Karen is that she was liked by the mom. Is that supposed to be the only reason? None of the other justifications given by Anna seem anything more than normal siblings.
Shelby Rices "The Bleeps and Blips of Life" is about the character Anna. Her father is in a coma in the hospital room, dying. She's always by his side. Then, her sister shows up, and the reader begins to learn about Anna's relationship to her family, her stubborn streak, and her broken relationship with her mother and sister.
I love the descriptions in this piece. The second paragraph of the first page was absolutely amazing because that's exactly what it's like, even though you barely realize it. I also really like the fullness of the characters Karen and Anna. I felt that I could understand them both and could try to take either side. At the same time, I felt that you completely villainized the mother, giving her no redeemable traits. I understand that from the narrator's perspective there aren't, but that doesn't mean you can't hide something redeeming in there for the reader to pick up.
I also really liked your use of dialogue. The line where Karen stumbled out that it might be a good idea to take their father off life support was perfect!
I also feel like I would have liked to see some actual interaction with the mother, just in a memory or something. Everything we get about the mother was told to us by one of the daughters, and we never really get to see the favoritism or the general badness for ourselves. It also seems that the only real reason that Anna dislikes Karen is that she was liked by the mom. Is that supposed to be the only reason? None of the other justifications given by Anna seem anything more than normal siblings.
Christina Kettering - "Password Protected"
Music for this reading: Marija Šestić - Rijeka bez imena
Christina Kettering's "Password Protected" does two things in its narrative. First, it tells the story of the narrator and her brother Thomas, expounding on their relationship through the use of social networking and how they presented themselves on such social networks. Second, it also tells of a general criticism of the use of social networks and what people put on these social networks.
The things that really work include the content of the social network. I could see all of it being on a Facebook wall, and at the same time, reading these various different types of updates weren't boring because they were unique enough. The only one I wondered about was the event for a suicide. I'm pretty sure that Facebook would take that down, but at the same time, that doesn't mean she didn't find it before it was removed. These updates were also great ways to transition to the back story and tell more about the relationship between the two.
That being said, I feel that the transitions back weren't very smooth. Since you had tense issues throughout the piece, the transitions weren't always totally apparently until a couple lines into the paragraph. One way to help alleviate this is to change the tense of the story. I'm thinking that using the present tense for the present day sections and the perfect tense for the memories might help to ease transitions a bit. There might still need to be a little more tweaking you have to do.
My biggest criticism though is that I don't feel like I know enough about the narrator alone. I definitely know here relationship to her brother, but all I really know of her alone is that she's private and isn't really trusting. Maybe a few more revealing characteristics?
Christina Kettering's "Password Protected" does two things in its narrative. First, it tells the story of the narrator and her brother Thomas, expounding on their relationship through the use of social networking and how they presented themselves on such social networks. Second, it also tells of a general criticism of the use of social networks and what people put on these social networks.
The things that really work include the content of the social network. I could see all of it being on a Facebook wall, and at the same time, reading these various different types of updates weren't boring because they were unique enough. The only one I wondered about was the event for a suicide. I'm pretty sure that Facebook would take that down, but at the same time, that doesn't mean she didn't find it before it was removed. These updates were also great ways to transition to the back story and tell more about the relationship between the two.
That being said, I feel that the transitions back weren't very smooth. Since you had tense issues throughout the piece, the transitions weren't always totally apparently until a couple lines into the paragraph. One way to help alleviate this is to change the tense of the story. I'm thinking that using the present tense for the present day sections and the perfect tense for the memories might help to ease transitions a bit. There might still need to be a little more tweaking you have to do.
My biggest criticism though is that I don't feel like I know enough about the narrator alone. I definitely know here relationship to her brother, but all I really know of her alone is that she's private and isn't really trusting. Maybe a few more revealing characteristics?
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Matthew Diaz - "Series of Omissions"
Music suggestion for this piece: Emily Wells - Symphony 8 & the Canary's Last Take
Matthew Diaz's "Series of Omissions" is written as the obituary of one Norman O'Conner: father, husband, disappointment, hatemonger, best dad ever. It shows all the complexities and some of the evolution that this man went through in his lifetime and how his survivors dealt with him and with their loss of him.
It's pretty clear that you ran out of time when writing this piece. It really needs more before I can give a full explanation of what really works and what doesn't. However, I can say that the title is absolutely fantastic. I don't think that there is a better one for your piece. I also like the parallelism in the use of "He is survived" at the beginning of each paragraph after the first and the last. It's a small touch that reminds you of the style of the piece.
As for what cold be improved, I feel like I don't understand much of what motivates the character to do what he does. Why did he decide to make up with his daughter? If he's such an ass, why did she agree to meet him? In fact, the reason behind many of the details in the piece seemed to lack motivation. If the neighbor was stalking her, why didn't the daughter immediately switch phones? Why would a camping trip get the kids in trouble?
I'd also like to point to a theme that I'd like to see developed more because I thought it was what the story was going to be about at first: physical manifestations of emotion. You begin with the "belt" for punishment and anger, immediately followed by the bar fight that occurs out of grief. I thought the story was going to show the way a physical outlet was instilled on the minds of the children because of that. It's just a suggestion, and the story doesn't suffer from not having it, but I think it would improve the piece.
Matthew Diaz's "Series of Omissions" is written as the obituary of one Norman O'Conner: father, husband, disappointment, hatemonger, best dad ever. It shows all the complexities and some of the evolution that this man went through in his lifetime and how his survivors dealt with him and with their loss of him.
It's pretty clear that you ran out of time when writing this piece. It really needs more before I can give a full explanation of what really works and what doesn't. However, I can say that the title is absolutely fantastic. I don't think that there is a better one for your piece. I also like the parallelism in the use of "He is survived" at the beginning of each paragraph after the first and the last. It's a small touch that reminds you of the style of the piece.
As for what cold be improved, I feel like I don't understand much of what motivates the character to do what he does. Why did he decide to make up with his daughter? If he's such an ass, why did she agree to meet him? In fact, the reason behind many of the details in the piece seemed to lack motivation. If the neighbor was stalking her, why didn't the daughter immediately switch phones? Why would a camping trip get the kids in trouble?
I'd also like to point to a theme that I'd like to see developed more because I thought it was what the story was going to be about at first: physical manifestations of emotion. You begin with the "belt" for punishment and anger, immediately followed by the bar fight that occurs out of grief. I thought the story was going to show the way a physical outlet was instilled on the minds of the children because of that. It's just a suggestion, and the story doesn't suffer from not having it, but I think it would improve the piece.
Cole Stuart - "Status Quo"
Music for this reading: Compact Disco - Sound of Our Hearts
Cole Stuart's "Status Quo" is about the boy Jake. Jake describes his life as a "social experiment." That is, he likes dressing and doing things to see how people react to the non-normative action taking place in front of them. Many times, preparing for these antics have caused him to be late, and his latest experiment lands him in ISS for tardies (although it was his tenth, and the teacher says more than ten is needed to cause the in-school suspension). There, he gets the chance to observe the trouble-makers, a group he's never really understood.
The sheer strangeness of this boy is probably the greatest positive in the entire piece. He's a very-unique character that I can't say I've seen done in quite the same way before. His voice also seems to be a weird combination of dis-attached and caring that makes for an interesting read. Unfortunately, I don't find any of the characters that interesting at all. They seem to embody a stereotype with one unexpected trait to show that they are more than the stereotype being shown. Even then, I had to infer the stereotype. I'd like to see the characters get a bit more-developed, especially Philip (because he's close to being really round). Perhaps you can do this by having Jake share some of his previous observations and instances with this group?
Another high point was the use of the little dialogue that you used. It's very effective and well-written.
The use of the "buzz buzz" confused me terribly during my first reading, especially considering that the first "buzz buzz" is easy to read as a one-off joke before it's encountered again. That being said, they are important for your theme, but I have to wonder if his mind becoming emptier is really the main change, especially because that'll go back after he's down from his high. Could the real change be more that he went from being an observer or life to a participant in life? That he's living for the moment moreso than for data now? Just some things to think about.
Cole Stuart's "Status Quo" is about the boy Jake. Jake describes his life as a "social experiment." That is, he likes dressing and doing things to see how people react to the non-normative action taking place in front of them. Many times, preparing for these antics have caused him to be late, and his latest experiment lands him in ISS for tardies (although it was his tenth, and the teacher says more than ten is needed to cause the in-school suspension). There, he gets the chance to observe the trouble-makers, a group he's never really understood.
The sheer strangeness of this boy is probably the greatest positive in the entire piece. He's a very-unique character that I can't say I've seen done in quite the same way before. His voice also seems to be a weird combination of dis-attached and caring that makes for an interesting read. Unfortunately, I don't find any of the characters that interesting at all. They seem to embody a stereotype with one unexpected trait to show that they are more than the stereotype being shown. Even then, I had to infer the stereotype. I'd like to see the characters get a bit more-developed, especially Philip (because he's close to being really round). Perhaps you can do this by having Jake share some of his previous observations and instances with this group?
Another high point was the use of the little dialogue that you used. It's very effective and well-written.
The use of the "buzz buzz" confused me terribly during my first reading, especially considering that the first "buzz buzz" is easy to read as a one-off joke before it's encountered again. That being said, they are important for your theme, but I have to wonder if his mind becoming emptier is really the main change, especially because that'll go back after he's down from his high. Could the real change be more that he went from being an observer or life to a participant in life? That he's living for the moment moreso than for data now? Just some things to think about.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Fiction I: Musical Accompaniments
1. Paul Vance - "The Day Beverly Lost Jessica"
- Hanna Lindblad - ManipulatedI think this one is self-explanatory, but it's about manipulation and using others for your personal gain. Need I say more?
- Hanna Lindblad - Goosebumps
Another song by Hanna Lindblad. This time, she's become the manipulated character, a talented artist singing something that is pointless and useless. Actually, pretty much all of Melodifestivalen could be musical representations of this short story.
3. Janelle Green - "The Truth Behind the Window"I remember singing this in my head while reading "Vacation from Boyhood." It really is the perfect piece to go along with the attempted manliness.
- Pernilla Karlsson - När Jag Blundar
It's the chorus of this song that reminds me of "The Truth Behind the Window." Basically, the song is about loss of emotion and is a lamentation about everything fading to grey around her.
5. Robert E. Lee - "Curtis and Deangelo"The songs uses military imagery in its stage presentation to add to the intensity of the question of self being asked throughout the song. I feel that the story did the same general thing.
6. Matthew Diaz - "Fortune"Okay, so this may have been an obvious choice, but it's really fitting. It's about how wild and crazy things can get in Las Vegas, especially if you let it draw you in.
7. Emily Feagin - "With Sweat Stripes Across Our Bellies"Okay, what were the chances that between the time we read "Television" and your piece, there would be an Estonian song released about somebody watching television and how it detaches them from life.
8. Molly Kirkpatrick - "Chase"This song and video was made as a Mother's Day present to the artist's mother. I think it captures the familial closeness and beauty that the piece seemed to be conveying.
- Kate Nash - Don't You Want to Share the Guilt
Warning: language. Actually, to tell the truth, I believe that all Kate Nash songs pretty much fit the main character's voice. My first choice song actually didn't have any quality videos on youtube, but it fit far better.
- Kate Nash - Mansion Song
9. Alyson Smith - "Kids"Warning: more language. See? Kate Nash can even fit Caroline's sarcastic anger.
10. Robert E. Lee - "A Different Place"Fresh-faced kids trying to be older than they are? Got it!
Emilie Simon wrote this song about her husband, who died of swine flu during the epidemic a few years back. This song was released just last year, and it shows how loss stays in somebody's mind for quite a long time.
"Incarnations of Burned Children" - David Foster Wallace
Music suggestion for this reading: Rona Nishliu - Suus
In "Incarnations of Burned Children," David Foster Wallace has created a story that almost anyone can relate to, not in the situational aspect of the piece but more along the lines of the characters that represent a different, almost-universal aspect of personhood. The child is in constant pain throughout the piece and responds by screaming, a violent cry for help that cannot necessarily come, even with the aide he does receive. The mother is panic. What can she do? What can she do? It's an automatic response to a situation one wasn't prepared for, and it's a dangerous position, especially for the one that is in pain.The father is action. He doesn't necessarily know what should be done, but he knows something needs to be done, and thus he acts to change the situation.
In this way, they are universals, traits that all people understand and all have likely experienced, possibly even all successively. The structure of the piece helps to confirm the ties these universals have to each other. Instead of breaking traits and thoughts into neat paragraphs and long but simple sentences, the piece is organized into one long paragraph that encompasses the whole story and ties every long, panicked sentence with the previous one. Everything is tied together into an inseparable package, becoming one organic scene that manages to incorporate seemingly-unimportant images in a way that makes them as indispensable as the scene that is playing in front of them.
Even the ending, which seems to indicate what happened to the child for the rest of his life, seems to be integrated organically, creating a oneness with the rest piece despite it being a statement of the rest of the child's life in half a sentence. In this way, the scene became like a defining moment in the child's life, possibly even the child's earliest memory that shapes how he sees the rest of his life.
In "Incarnations of Burned Children," David Foster Wallace has created a story that almost anyone can relate to, not in the situational aspect of the piece but more along the lines of the characters that represent a different, almost-universal aspect of personhood. The child is in constant pain throughout the piece and responds by screaming, a violent cry for help that cannot necessarily come, even with the aide he does receive. The mother is panic. What can she do? What can she do? It's an automatic response to a situation one wasn't prepared for, and it's a dangerous position, especially for the one that is in pain.The father is action. He doesn't necessarily know what should be done, but he knows something needs to be done, and thus he acts to change the situation.
In this way, they are universals, traits that all people understand and all have likely experienced, possibly even all successively. The structure of the piece helps to confirm the ties these universals have to each other. Instead of breaking traits and thoughts into neat paragraphs and long but simple sentences, the piece is organized into one long paragraph that encompasses the whole story and ties every long, panicked sentence with the previous one. Everything is tied together into an inseparable package, becoming one organic scene that manages to incorporate seemingly-unimportant images in a way that makes them as indispensable as the scene that is playing in front of them.
Even the ending, which seems to indicate what happened to the child for the rest of his life, seems to be integrated organically, creating a oneness with the rest piece despite it being a statement of the rest of the child's life in half a sentence. In this way, the scene became like a defining moment in the child's life, possibly even the child's earliest memory that shapes how he sees the rest of his life.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
"A Different Place" - Robert E. Lee
"A Different Place" begins with the narrator learning that his family has been in an accident while on vacation overseas. Throughout the rest of the story, he comes to learn that one character, Derick, died, and he watches his family cope with the loss. A lot of the story seems to be about the psychological effects of violent loss on a person's psyche, such as the guilt felt by the father due to being the one driving at the time of the accident.
I really like the dynamic you have with the family. I can tell that they are important to each-other without being obsessive. The interactions between the narrator and the father seemed, for the most part, realistic and important to the piece in its entirety. That's always a great thing. I also like the first two sentences you used to open the piece. The use of the time markers helps to both give a sense of dread and establish both setting and plot.
One area where I'm not sure how I feel is the ending. I kinda like the idea of the narrator ending with the line that makes him feel partially responsible for Derick loss. It also ties in with the opening really well. However, it doesn't feel like a full ending.
I wonder if this lack of closure stems from my feeling that the narrator shouldn't be the main character. I think the most-important character in the piece seems to be the father, and the narrator is nothing more than a observer, watching the events unfold. I don't really feel that the main character is allowed far enough into the main conflict of the plot to have more than a tertiary role in the development of the plot and very little impetus for change. Perhaps you should change to the father's perspective?
Another suggestion I have, which is just a small one, is to make sure that people understand that Liberia is a city in Costa Rica. I think that most people are going to assume the African country first. Also, while I like the large family, perhaps cutting down on the names would help readers attach names to bodies for the few that you really want us to learn, like the wife and step-mother.
I really like the dynamic you have with the family. I can tell that they are important to each-other without being obsessive. The interactions between the narrator and the father seemed, for the most part, realistic and important to the piece in its entirety. That's always a great thing. I also like the first two sentences you used to open the piece. The use of the time markers helps to both give a sense of dread and establish both setting and plot.
One area where I'm not sure how I feel is the ending. I kinda like the idea of the narrator ending with the line that makes him feel partially responsible for Derick loss. It also ties in with the opening really well. However, it doesn't feel like a full ending.
I wonder if this lack of closure stems from my feeling that the narrator shouldn't be the main character. I think the most-important character in the piece seems to be the father, and the narrator is nothing more than a observer, watching the events unfold. I don't really feel that the main character is allowed far enough into the main conflict of the plot to have more than a tertiary role in the development of the plot and very little impetus for change. Perhaps you should change to the father's perspective?
Another suggestion I have, which is just a small one, is to make sure that people understand that Liberia is a city in Costa Rica. I think that most people are going to assume the African country first. Also, while I like the large family, perhaps cutting down on the names would help readers attach names to bodies for the few that you really want us to learn, like the wife and step-mother.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
"Kids" - Alyson Smith
"Kids" is about Jenny, a girl that is visiting a Bible camp with a menagerie of other girls. These girls fall into a range of people, most of them showing that they're not very-good Christians in some form or fashion. Meanwhile, there is small-scale drama over the girls that like different guys and relationship drama that ensues.
The piece manages to be fun and an easy read in most parts. This is an accomplishment when one considers the number of characters that appear in the piece. It rarely seems ambiguous as to who is speaking of where. However, the main character is named Jenny. The girl who becomes the antagonist character is named Jenna. That gets confusing, and it's an extremely easy fix that I'd think about changing one of their names.
The insider's view of young-girl's culture is interesting and helps to establish the mindsets of the characters, but besides Jenny, all the girls seem to be one character that can be called "conglomerate of early teen girl." I'd like to see a character or two get cut to make room for development of the remaining characters in the group. Jenny, herself, seems really cynical, almost like she's given up on trying to fit in with the other girls or sees herself as better than them. It was hard for me to relate to the her because she came off as unlikable in many points of the story. I'd suggest putting some points where she looks up or envies another girl to make her more rounded and human.
The piece manages to be fun and an easy read in most parts. This is an accomplishment when one considers the number of characters that appear in the piece. It rarely seems ambiguous as to who is speaking of where. However, the main character is named Jenny. The girl who becomes the antagonist character is named Jenna. That gets confusing, and it's an extremely easy fix that I'd think about changing one of their names.
The insider's view of young-girl's culture is interesting and helps to establish the mindsets of the characters, but besides Jenny, all the girls seem to be one character that can be called "conglomerate of early teen girl." I'd like to see a character or two get cut to make room for development of the remaining characters in the group. Jenny, herself, seems really cynical, almost like she's given up on trying to fit in with the other girls or sees herself as better than them. It was hard for me to relate to the her because she came off as unlikable in many points of the story. I'd suggest putting some points where she looks up or envies another girl to make her more rounded and human.
"Chase" - Molly Kirkpatrick
"Chase" is about a woman named Caroline. Caroline has human cytomegalovirus, and she's very jaded due to this infection. She is meeting up with the man that infected her, the ex-boyfriend Chase. Chase was one of those men that you'd call a player, a man that gets laid and moves to the next girl, a sister-chaser, the kind of man that would sleep with a girl's best friend the day after taking her virginity. That's Chase. Caroline, on the other hand, was a good girl. She never slept with anybody before Chase, and there was no way for her to get her disease from anybody. Anyway, they're meeting, and through flashbacks, we get an idea of what has created the jaded demeanor of the character.
The parts of this story that really work include the voice of Caroline. The way that she looks back upon her relationship seeps with "What the fuck was I thinking?" and "Boy, he was a jerk." She makes little comments here and there, such as "There was no question along the lines of, 'Are you in love?'", that makes it clear to the reader that she wasn't sure why she allowed this relationship to continue happening. Interestingly, the sarcasm seems to get both heavier and darker as the story continues. By the time she begins naming the zombies in the tattoo parlor, you know that she's regretting everything she did with him.
Another place where I think the piece shines is in its use of subtle characterization to make the reader have strong feelings about the characters in the piece. I don't know about anybody else in the class, but by the second time Felicia was speaking, I wanted to wring her neck and KILL THE WOMAN. The characters that I was supposed to dislike, I disliked strongly (while still recognizing in Chase mild redeeming qualities that prevented him from being a demonized character; there was no hope for Felicia). I also like how the morals of the protagonist are left completely ambiguous. The reader is left disgusted with the idea that she purposefully infected another to get back at somebody, while at the same time feeling the cynicism that led to the action.
However, there are plenty of areas in which the piece can be improved as well. One of the most noticeable examples comes in the use of syntax and grammar. There were a lot of areas where the wording seemed somewhat awkward, and it was ambiguous what the subject of a few pronouns were (that could dramatically change the meaning of the sentence). Jung's theory is left with no real explanation for the reader, and I had no idea what it meant in the meaning of the piece.
The character of Caroline also seemed to go through an informed change more than a noticed change. We are informed how she used to be this "good girl," but we're never shown it nor are we ever given any indication of a real change at the end. She made this action of revenge before the piece took place, and because of the viewpoint we're given of the character, the act of revenge isn't really unexpected, except for the fact that we're told that Chase was her first and that she got herpes from him. On that informed note, how did she get herpes from him but not Felicia? When did Chase get herpes? While cheating on her in the relationship? From the person right before her?
The parts of this story that really work include the voice of Caroline. The way that she looks back upon her relationship seeps with "What the fuck was I thinking?" and "Boy, he was a jerk." She makes little comments here and there, such as "There was no question along the lines of, 'Are you in love?'", that makes it clear to the reader that she wasn't sure why she allowed this relationship to continue happening. Interestingly, the sarcasm seems to get both heavier and darker as the story continues. By the time she begins naming the zombies in the tattoo parlor, you know that she's regretting everything she did with him.
Another place where I think the piece shines is in its use of subtle characterization to make the reader have strong feelings about the characters in the piece. I don't know about anybody else in the class, but by the second time Felicia was speaking, I wanted to wring her neck and KILL THE WOMAN. The characters that I was supposed to dislike, I disliked strongly (while still recognizing in Chase mild redeeming qualities that prevented him from being a demonized character; there was no hope for Felicia). I also like how the morals of the protagonist are left completely ambiguous. The reader is left disgusted with the idea that she purposefully infected another to get back at somebody, while at the same time feeling the cynicism that led to the action.
However, there are plenty of areas in which the piece can be improved as well. One of the most noticeable examples comes in the use of syntax and grammar. There were a lot of areas where the wording seemed somewhat awkward, and it was ambiguous what the subject of a few pronouns were (that could dramatically change the meaning of the sentence). Jung's theory is left with no real explanation for the reader, and I had no idea what it meant in the meaning of the piece.
The character of Caroline also seemed to go through an informed change more than a noticed change. We are informed how she used to be this "good girl," but we're never shown it nor are we ever given any indication of a real change at the end. She made this action of revenge before the piece took place, and because of the viewpoint we're given of the character, the act of revenge isn't really unexpected, except for the fact that we're told that Chase was her first and that she got herpes from him. On that informed note, how did she get herpes from him but not Felicia? When did Chase get herpes? While cheating on her in the relationship? From the person right before her?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)