"With Sweat Stripes Across Our Bellies" by Emily Feagin

"With Sweat Stripes Across Our Bellies" is about a woman that had moved away from her family years ago. During that time, Connie's mother has developed dementia and is having trouble functioning the way that she used to function. For example, she has forgotten recipes that the piece gives the impression she used to cook all the time and can no longer remember whether she has taken her pills. The conflict revolves around the narrator's feelings of regret for leaving her family and dealing with having a sick mother.

I think that the best part of the piece are the splices of dialogue interspersed throughout the piece. It breaks up the memories into sections nicely, creating easy-to-read sections. The dialogue also feels extremely realistic, and it seems that Emily did research the effects of dementia. It's really believable. The cooking portion, and the use of muscle memory also is a highlight of the piece for me, and I found that section to be well-written, well-developed, and extremely-important.

However, the piece falls a bit short at the ending. I don't really feel like the character changed that much, but instead, I feel that we're left wondering what's going to happen next with no expectations of how the characters are going to react. The story needs something more in plot to help the reader feel more tension and give the main character an opportunity to change.

There was also a small issue I had with the piece. What did the father do at U.S. Steel that allowed them to buy a piano for a dining room? U.S. Steel doesn't imply a high-wage job, so the idea of a dining room and a piano seem to be from a class just above where they should be. Did they save up for the piano? Considering that the piano has no bearing in the overall plot, I feel that this can be cut without issues. The glasses can be found on an end-table instead.

"Fortune" by Matthew Diaz

Matthew Diaz's "Fortune" is about a man that's watching television in his room when two men come in, shoot his dog, and rob him. Throughout the entire work, the narrator is just sitting on his couch and watching as they go through the motions of the robbery, contemplating doing something. Finally, at the end, after most of the things are damaged, he makes an action against the robbers.

The piece has an excellent plotline. It is hard to put down, and it's excellently worked. I love the flow of events and the observations made by the narrator. It's hard to argue against some of his similes and metaphors, such as the mausoleum teeth. I also like the constant references to the corpse of Duke throughout the piece. That shows that it really disturbs him, almost to the point that he can't believe it happened still.

Where the piece is weak, if you ask me, is in the use of some sentence structure and vocabularly. The use of words such as "concupiscence" and "invective" seem to be fake and writery in the moment, especially considering that such a high vocabulary disappears in the center part of the story arc before resurfacing at the end. It's kind of hard to believe the narrator using some of the words. Also, the piece could use a few more sentences. Two of the three paragraphs on the first page are one sentence long and full of "ands" to connect it. It flows well sometimes, but it's also distracting in the end.

There were some great revealing moments in the piece. The use of the television to reflect both feelings and to explain how he felt was great, and I wouldn't mind seeing it expanded upon. Overall, I was excited to read the piece though. Good job!

"Curtis and Deangelo" - Robert E. Lee

Robert E. Lee's "Curtis and Deangelo" follows the title characters as they spend time gambling in Las Vegas. Deangelo loses his leather jacket, and as they try to find it, we learn a bit about their backstory together. Both their father's (which I believe are different people) are in different hospitals, and Deangelo's father was in an accident with the family of a character known as Bishop that caused his hospitalization.

The voice of Curtis is easily the best thing about this piece. Some of his one-liners like "Pulls on your chest hair like duck tape" and "What happened to your ass? That just looks like a whole in your back," really add humor and gives the reader perspective into who Curtis is as a person, making him rounder and more-unique than many characters. However, I feel that Deangelo's voice pales in comparison to his. In particular, it seems that Deangelo never really develops a full personality, and the little bit I understand about him seems muddled. I think that may be because I'm not exactly sure of his relationship to Curtis. Are they extended family, family friends, just friends, something else?

Another thing that never fully becomes clear is the back story of the two characters. I understand that there was a car accident, but I was confused as to who was hurt and killed in it. There is mention here of a character named Bishop, but his fate and his relationship to the other two is never fully-elaborated. I felt that I could fully grasp what went on in their past. I would expand this section to make it more interesting.

Another area that I felt needed more clarification was who was talking. Some tags could clear that up right away without any major changes.

There's also one major anachronistic problem in the piece. When we meet Deangelo, he has his leather jacket, but when he realizes he lost it, they haven't separated. The character that we later find out took it was also met by Deangelo before he made it to Curtis. This means that he's searching for a second leather jacket, which I don't think was intentional. Overall, I would say clarity is the major issue of the piece.

"Beyond the Line" - Shelby Rice

Shelby Rice's "Beyond the Line" tells the story of Isaac Adler, a major in the U.S. military. He is given orders by the colonel to use gathered intellect to fire upon three enemy camps in the region. The first two are easy decisions because of their general isolation and lack of complications. However, the third camp is near a small settlement with a school, and Major Adler decides against bombing it. This gets him removed from his post, and he can go back to his wife.

I loved the opening of this piece. It set up the entire situation well, but after the opening, Sophie disappears from the piece except in small excerpts where he looks at her picture. I would have loved it if you had put some back story throughout some of his long periods of waiting (maybe he thinks about Sophie). I also think it could have helped flesh out their relationship and his reluctance to fire on children over other civilians. Maybe she's pregnant or having trouble having a child, and this murder of children would hit home for him.

I also loved the use of slang and acronyms. They weren't overbearing or confusing, and they made it seem like you really knew how military encampments looked. I really trusted your information. The conversation completely in code was one of my favorite parts of the whole piece.

That being said, after the first few pages, the rate of tension increase slowed dramatically. Instead of the quick raises that happened on page one and three, we have long periods of waiting where the only tension is that we haven't heard back from on guy or that he can't make it to his target location. This would be a great place to cut sections from and add back story, such as the aforementioned suggestion with Sophie or a time when he had to choose to have civilian casualties.

Finally, I was a little confused about the school. The intelligence mentions that there are maybe five homes, a mosque/church, and a school. Where do all the kids that go to that school come from? Is it a boarding school, making almost all the casualties children? Is the town larger than intelligence can see? Do they disperse throughout the region, going to multiple villages and towns, and if that is the case, why doesn't he fire after school is let out and the children dispersed? There would be far-fewer casualties then.

"Brotherly Love" by Kevin Boy

Music suggestion for this reading: Jelena Tomašević feat. Bora Dugić - Oro

The song I posted is about two things: protection and tradition. In the same way, I feel those are the main points of conflict in Kevin Boy's story "Brotherly Love". Uncle William and Father Steven are living their lives. Steven has children and both have terrible work hours. At Steven's song Jacob's birthday, the two celebrate tradition in the place where generations of their family have celebrated all their achievements and traditions, the family estate. Unfortunately, the two brothers have not achieved the success needed to successfully continue owning the property, and William has suggested that they take some unknown offer from a character known only as Leslie to allow them to move to St. Louis, where the family would start anew. Steven is reluctant until a break-in that night endangers the family.

By far, the best thing about this text is the narrative voice and the character voices. Everybody is distinct. Samantha is bratty in a likeable way, while Jacob is more stoic. The main character has a good-natured practicality about his voice that endears him to easy interaction and melding to the personalities of the other characters. These voices help the reader to read through the long (but important) build-up to the actual conflict. Another extremely successful element is the use of dialogue. As I already mentioned, the characters have been fully developed, and the dialogue goes a long way in showing this. It also has many witty moments and humor.

The area the story falls short in, however, is the general plotting. As I mentioned, the introduction is long but important. It helps to set up the dynamics of the family and build a solid character. The real area of weakness in plotting doesn't come until the main plot is introduced. Here, it feels like too little information is given to the reader for him to fully understand what is going on. Who is Leslie? What is her offer? What jobs do William and Steven currently have? Why can't the successfully stay in their own house? These questions never get adequately answered in the main plot. Because of this, I'd love to see some more put into the piece, especially in backstory.

"Dress Rehearsal" - Christina Kettering

Music suggestion for the reading (yes, I'm going to start doing these with student works too): Juli Fabian & Zoohacker - Like a Child

Christina Kettering's "Dress Rehearsal" is about a pair of sisters: Kate and Diana. Kate, the main character, is a girl ending her high school career and under serious pressure from multiple sources: college deadlines, her role in the school play (as an extra), and most importantly her feelings of individuality in conflict towards her sister. Meanwhile, Diana seems to still be floating throughout life, playing the role of the younger sister without problem and taking few things seriously.

The first thing I really like is the dichotomy of the two girls. I do get a sense of unwanted antagonism between the two of them, and I can definitely sympathize, if not empathize, with Kate's wish to be a separate entity from Diana. I also enjoy the realism of the characters in the piece. If I can't relate myself to an action, I can relate a person I know to an action. I also like the scene in the opening where they are shopping for dresses. One is searching for perfection in dress form while the other wants it over and done with. It reminds me of some shopping trips with friends.

That being said, I wish that you had found some what to tie in the purple dress that you made such a big deal about with the rest of the story. Sure, it fleshes out that scene, but is there no way to make it compatible with the main plot. Maybe Diana buys that dress for prom? I also feel that the narrative voice is sometimes a fading ghost that is always haunting in the background but rarely jumps to the front of the piece. I'd love to see a stronger voice that rarely takes a back seat.

Finally, I would also love to see some more interaction between the characters. Everything you have right now is great, but I think that a couple more scenes can really help to increase tension some more and to help characterize some of the characters that are passing mentions, such as Andrew, and characterize Sean more. In fact, the beginning of the piece makes him seem like a far more-important character than he turns out to be in the piece. I'd like to see him rise up to that importance.

Janelle Green - "The Truth Behind the Window"

"The Truth Behind the Window" is a short-story about a woman that spends her free time spying on her neighbors through a window. She is unhappy with her current lot in life: an emotionally abusive, yuppie husband, neighbors that she has disdain for, and generally feeling that the neighborhood around her is like a plastic dollhouse of pseudo-perfection.

There are many elements in the story that work. The authors use of questions is spot-on and are used in various effective ways. This includes making the reader search for his/her own answer to the question, as well as insight to what is important for her. They also heighten emotional appeal and give the strongest narrative voice in the entire piece. Another element of the story that is used extremely effectively is the use of time of day. She uses night as a time of illumination, where the houses have to show more because the sun is no longer there to veil what goes on inside. This inversion of the standard use of night and day was refreshing and effective.

That being said, there were elements that could also use more work. One element that really weakened the piece as a whole was the narrative voice. For me, it seemed to take a while to appear at all. The first scene never really dwelled on the implications of any of the actions going on and seemed more like a series of observations made without any really voice in the observations. Another thing that could use improvement is the use of paragraph to highlight particular events and help to illuminate moments of voice that were drowned by the language around it. In particular, there were moments where the author could have treated Janelle's thoughts like regular dialogue and started a new paragraph with them. Finally, another area that needs improvement is that the character needs to show us more and tell us less, especially in interactions with her husband.

"Off" - Aimee Bender

Music suggestion for the reading: Getter Jaani - Rockefeller Street

Aimee Bender's "Off" is an interesting piece. At first, I wasn't sure that I would like it. The narrative took too many turns, and it took me a page or two to adapt to her "stream of thought" narrative style. However, it really worked by the time the story was finished. The narrator would bring up a seemingly-unrelated subject, drop it, and then refer to it later in the piece. By the time the piece was finished, every part of the stream of consciousness seemed important.

The thing that interested me the most about this piece was the character of the narrator. She reminded me of an adolescent girl. It seemed that the character was experimenting in being a little bit of everything, and not only was she a little bit of everything, she was one of the best at everything. Her paintings were amazing pieces that a clueless art teacher couldn't understand. She's the most attractive girl in the party. How could any man not want her? The character was almost like a yuppie yet old-money hipster that had a taste of misunderstood dark girl while still being the sign of utmost perfection. She wants to believe herself the ultimate Mary-Sue archetype.

That being said, I left with the understanding that the girl hated herself. All of this inflated sense of presence seemed to be an attempt to validate herself to a world where she felt the same as a steak lying in a fruit bowl. She feels so out-of-place, probably due to being a girl that gained a huge inheritance in her early. She always felt that she couldn't relate to most people, and after deciding that she couldn't fit into this perceived mold, she instead tried to push herself further from society and create a wall of perfection around her.

Proof of this can be found in her relationships with the characters throughout the piece. She constantly gets jealous of the other women at the part, with the only exception being the Host. These women represent a threat to her, perhaps a representation of something that she feels would be more-desirable to the average man. She insults every woman that she interacts with. This one is weak and meek; that one has a flat ass, while another is simply plain and boring. As for her interaction with the redhead, we find her being insulted at a character remembering a part of her from before she built this wall of self-importance. She was the little girl with the inheritance, the girl she buried.

She even rewards those that help to validate her wall. Adam's insult, "Lady, you are screwed UP" (Bender 116) pleases her. Suddenly, she feels like there is a character that understands that she is different from the rest of society and will make statements to validate those differences, even if they aren't the differences she wants. Even at the end, when he takes her hand while she laments about how she screwed up the night, he is validating her wall, even if the wall was just heavily bombarded by the incident that preceded it.

The most-complex relationship in the short story is that between the narrator and the Host. They have been friends since high school, and the narrator comments that the Host feels "sorry for her" (Bender 108). At the same time, the glimpses at the interactions between the two characters seems to show the narrator validating the Host as a person as well. The scene where the Host tried on clothing for the girl, in particular, showed the narrator praising her with compliments, and I interpreted this as both 1) a homoerotic scene and 2) mutual validation of each-other's character.

"The Love of My Life" - T.C. Boyle

Music suggestion for the reading: Ingrid Michaelson - The End of the World

I have a bit of a love-hate relationship with this piece. I love the literary description, the poetic feeling of sentences like "For a long while no one said anything--everything had already been said, over and over, one long flood of hurt and recrimination--and the antiseptic silence of the hospital held them in its grip while the rain beat at the windows and the machines at the food of the bed counted off numbers." What I really love is that this poetic structure is so powerful throughout the whole piece that I could just open the book and read a sentence at random and find such literary description.

I love the first paragraph. I love how it succinctly summarizes their relationship without making it seem either cliche or like he's telling us too much. I love how it is followed by a scene that proves everything the reader is told in that opening paragraph while still showing more about them and their relationship. In general, I love the structure of the piece, a structure that I would love to have as much mastery over as Boyle clearly does.

However, I hate the main characters of China and Jeremy. I hate them, not because they aren't realistic or well-rounded or even likeable, because they are so incredibly, annoyingly stupid. We have it established for us in the beginning that neither of them wants children, at least they don't want any anytime in the near future. "It became a running theme in their relationship, the breeders overpoplating an overpopulated world and ruining their own lives in the process." Knowing this, I find it hard to sympathize with either characters. I can't sympathize with a girl that doesn't want to go to a doctor or a clinic to get rid of this child she didn't want and then tells her boyfriend to get rid of it after she gives birth. I can't sympathize with a boy that doesn't use all the pressure in his power to get her to monitor her health and to make a decision, any kind of decision, about her pregnancy.

That being said, I still did enjoy the story for the most part. As much as I wished to strangle the characters for refusing to decide what they should do, especially considering that China seemed like the type of character that planned everything and understood long-term consequences, the constant raising of stakes and increased tension (combined with the wonderful structure of the piece) kept me reading. I also believe that I found the general progression of events after they killed the baby to satisfying.

"Vacation from Boyhood" by Cole Stuart

"Vacation from Boyhood" is a short story about two childhood acquaintances/fair-weather friends that have grown closer through social networking since going to their respective colleges. They have developed a friendship as "idea" men and debate various topics. Now, they decide that they need to plan a trip to become true "men" and to test and compare their "manliness." Through various distractions and bumbled attempts, the trip does not turned out as planned. However, while this piece is definitely about manliness, it is even-more about the friendship between these two man and asking such questions as: "What makes a man?" and "How do you develop self-worth as a man that is not 'manly'?"

The piece is strong in various areas. One of the strongest parts of the piece is the author's use of dialogue to both create a sense of competition between the two characters. The dialogue manages to both realistic and beneficial to the story in most places. In particular, I enjoyed the banter between the two characters as they try to prove their masculinity to each other after the narrator picks Connor up. Another strong part of the piece was the use of humor. Going back to the banter when the narrator picks Connor up, which is arguably the strongest part of the piece, the line "Well this morning after my mom woke me up, I was all like 'make me a sandwich for the trip,' and then she did," made me laugh. It reminded me of something many of my friends would joke about to my female friend that works at Subway. ("I walked in there and told her to make me a sandwhich, and she did.")

Another small but significant part of the story was when the author referenced to earlier in the story during the attempt to light the fireplace. Connor boasts about something that happened in Boy Scouts, just as the narrator said a few pages earlier that Connor was likely dying to do. This made me, as a reader, feel like he was let in on some sort of inside joke.

That being said, there are some issues with the piece. The weakest part of this piece is the back-story. Much of it seems weak and confused. This is mostly a by-product of two issues. The first of these issues is that the author used many passive sentences when writing that section. Many times, the sentences would be structured in a way that would bog down the reader, making the section more-difficult to read than need be. For example, "The remembrance of the sense of accomplishment and freedom was inspiring when I imagined stomping around the crunchy orange and brown autumn forest as if I were the king of it all" instead of "I remembered the sense of accomplishment and freedom that inspired me as I imagined being the king of the crunchy orange and brown autumn forest." The second major issue in the back-story is that many of the phrases are vague generalities and examples of "telling me" instead of "showing me" what the character is about.

One more weakness of the story was the constant telling that the story was about manliness. Many times, the character would make references to things that would be "manly" enough or that this would show his manliness. I feel that these are unnecessary and actually degrading to the work as a whole because they make me feel like I'm being beat over the head with one of the major themes of the piece when the narrator is doing a perfectly fine job of showing us that the entire trip is a naive competition of manliness. I don't thing that I need to be told that as well.

"The Day Beverly Lost Jessica" - Paul Vance

"The Day Beverly Lost Jessica" is about the character of Beverly. Beverly is the mother of Jessica, an aspiring entertainer and singer that is pushing her mother into allowing her to audition at "WORLD WIDE MUSIC". Throughout the piece, the narrative voice and dialogue reveal many of Beverly's fears about the company and about the idea of her daughter becoming an entertainer at such a young age. By the end of the story, the mixture of Beverly's confusion and apprehension because of the mayhem of the situation around her leads to her loss of her daughter. I assume this loss is meant to be symbolically due to the hints that she just went into the other room to participate(?) in the brawl at Jackson's encouragement. Instead of remaining her little girl, Jessica becomes a figure that has found a new authority figure that she wishes to follow, that of Jackson and the record company.

The strongest point of this piece is the characterization of Beverly, especially through her reminisces of Jessica as a young girl. The reader gets some excellent images, such as "painting Easter eggs in December" and "that she would never again see her daughter's hair bounce from side to side in a pony tail as she walked." These small observations and yearnings for the past reveal much about Beverly's character. It shows her devotion to the child, as well as an image of her ideal child and what Beverly believes innocence to be. We also learn a lot about her from a generational standpoint during the scene where Jackson is listing internet celebrities that earned fame through a single Youtube video.

At the same time, some of Beverly's observations lead to some of the weakest parts of the piece. In particular, the way that Beverly's narrative voice describes the studio during the first paragraph and throughout pages three and four are jumbled and confused. While this may be intentional to show the confusion of Beverly, the syntax and some of the images led me to be completely lost while reading the description. The first paragraph is the worst offender. The first two sentences are a page-and-a-half long, and they seem to jump all over the place. Even the first part of the first sentence is very appealing to the reader. The opening is extremely passive, and if I were a consumer, I would likely have moved on to a new piece after reading the first three lines. A good way to fix this problem would be to begin with Beverly instead of "Beverly's daughter" and to begin with a definite action rather than a description of how a future action was performed.

Another weaker part of the piece was the ending. The last two pages are entirely dialogue, leaving a lot of ambiguity about what is going on around the characters during the scene. For one thing, I missed the moment at which Mark appeared, and the brawl is never really foreshadowed or explained. A return to narrative voice could be a great boon for the dialogue-heavy ending. It might help to clarify for the author a bit more as to what is going on.