Music suggestion for this piece: Emily Wells - Symphony 8 & the Canary's Last Take
Matthew Diaz's "Series of Omissions" is written as the obituary of one Norman O'Conner: father, husband, disappointment, hatemonger, best dad ever. It shows all the complexities and some of the evolution that this man went through in his lifetime and how his survivors dealt with him and with their loss of him.
It's pretty clear that you ran out of time when writing this piece. It really needs more before I can give a full explanation of what really works and what doesn't. However, I can say that the title is absolutely fantastic. I don't think that there is a better one for your piece. I also like the parallelism in the use of "He is survived" at the beginning of each paragraph after the first and the last. It's a small touch that reminds you of the style of the piece.
As for what cold be improved, I feel like I don't understand much of what motivates the character to do what he does. Why did he decide to make up with his daughter? If he's such an ass, why did she agree to meet him? In fact, the reason behind many of the details in the piece seemed to lack motivation. If the neighbor was stalking her, why didn't the daughter immediately switch phones? Why would a camping trip get the kids in trouble?
I'd also like to point to a theme that I'd like to see developed more because I thought it was what the story was going to be about at first: physical manifestations of emotion. You begin with the "belt" for punishment and anger, immediately followed by the bar fight that occurs out of grief. I thought the story was going to show the way a physical outlet was instilled on the minds of the children because of that. It's just a suggestion, and the story doesn't suffer from not having it, but I think it would improve the piece.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Cole Stuart - "Status Quo"
Music for this reading: Compact Disco - Sound of Our Hearts
Cole Stuart's "Status Quo" is about the boy Jake. Jake describes his life as a "social experiment." That is, he likes dressing and doing things to see how people react to the non-normative action taking place in front of them. Many times, preparing for these antics have caused him to be late, and his latest experiment lands him in ISS for tardies (although it was his tenth, and the teacher says more than ten is needed to cause the in-school suspension). There, he gets the chance to observe the trouble-makers, a group he's never really understood.
The sheer strangeness of this boy is probably the greatest positive in the entire piece. He's a very-unique character that I can't say I've seen done in quite the same way before. His voice also seems to be a weird combination of dis-attached and caring that makes for an interesting read. Unfortunately, I don't find any of the characters that interesting at all. They seem to embody a stereotype with one unexpected trait to show that they are more than the stereotype being shown. Even then, I had to infer the stereotype. I'd like to see the characters get a bit more-developed, especially Philip (because he's close to being really round). Perhaps you can do this by having Jake share some of his previous observations and instances with this group?
Another high point was the use of the little dialogue that you used. It's very effective and well-written.
The use of the "buzz buzz" confused me terribly during my first reading, especially considering that the first "buzz buzz" is easy to read as a one-off joke before it's encountered again. That being said, they are important for your theme, but I have to wonder if his mind becoming emptier is really the main change, especially because that'll go back after he's down from his high. Could the real change be more that he went from being an observer or life to a participant in life? That he's living for the moment moreso than for data now? Just some things to think about.
Cole Stuart's "Status Quo" is about the boy Jake. Jake describes his life as a "social experiment." That is, he likes dressing and doing things to see how people react to the non-normative action taking place in front of them. Many times, preparing for these antics have caused him to be late, and his latest experiment lands him in ISS for tardies (although it was his tenth, and the teacher says more than ten is needed to cause the in-school suspension). There, he gets the chance to observe the trouble-makers, a group he's never really understood.
The sheer strangeness of this boy is probably the greatest positive in the entire piece. He's a very-unique character that I can't say I've seen done in quite the same way before. His voice also seems to be a weird combination of dis-attached and caring that makes for an interesting read. Unfortunately, I don't find any of the characters that interesting at all. They seem to embody a stereotype with one unexpected trait to show that they are more than the stereotype being shown. Even then, I had to infer the stereotype. I'd like to see the characters get a bit more-developed, especially Philip (because he's close to being really round). Perhaps you can do this by having Jake share some of his previous observations and instances with this group?
Another high point was the use of the little dialogue that you used. It's very effective and well-written.
The use of the "buzz buzz" confused me terribly during my first reading, especially considering that the first "buzz buzz" is easy to read as a one-off joke before it's encountered again. That being said, they are important for your theme, but I have to wonder if his mind becoming emptier is really the main change, especially because that'll go back after he's down from his high. Could the real change be more that he went from being an observer or life to a participant in life? That he's living for the moment moreso than for data now? Just some things to think about.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Fiction I: Musical Accompaniments
1. Paul Vance - "The Day Beverly Lost Jessica"
- Hanna Lindblad - ManipulatedI think this one is self-explanatory, but it's about manipulation and using others for your personal gain. Need I say more?
- Hanna Lindblad - Goosebumps
Another song by Hanna Lindblad. This time, she's become the manipulated character, a talented artist singing something that is pointless and useless. Actually, pretty much all of Melodifestivalen could be musical representations of this short story.
3. Janelle Green - "The Truth Behind the Window"I remember singing this in my head while reading "Vacation from Boyhood." It really is the perfect piece to go along with the attempted manliness.
- Pernilla Karlsson - När Jag Blundar
It's the chorus of this song that reminds me of "The Truth Behind the Window." Basically, the song is about loss of emotion and is a lamentation about everything fading to grey around her.
5. Robert E. Lee - "Curtis and Deangelo"The songs uses military imagery in its stage presentation to add to the intensity of the question of self being asked throughout the song. I feel that the story did the same general thing.
6. Matthew Diaz - "Fortune"Okay, so this may have been an obvious choice, but it's really fitting. It's about how wild and crazy things can get in Las Vegas, especially if you let it draw you in.
7. Emily Feagin - "With Sweat Stripes Across Our Bellies"Okay, what were the chances that between the time we read "Television" and your piece, there would be an Estonian song released about somebody watching television and how it detaches them from life.
8. Molly Kirkpatrick - "Chase"This song and video was made as a Mother's Day present to the artist's mother. I think it captures the familial closeness and beauty that the piece seemed to be conveying.
- Kate Nash - Don't You Want to Share the Guilt
Warning: language. Actually, to tell the truth, I believe that all Kate Nash songs pretty much fit the main character's voice. My first choice song actually didn't have any quality videos on youtube, but it fit far better.
- Kate Nash - Mansion Song
9. Alyson Smith - "Kids"Warning: more language. See? Kate Nash can even fit Caroline's sarcastic anger.
10. Robert E. Lee - "A Different Place"Fresh-faced kids trying to be older than they are? Got it!
Emilie Simon wrote this song about her husband, who died of swine flu during the epidemic a few years back. This song was released just last year, and it shows how loss stays in somebody's mind for quite a long time.
"Incarnations of Burned Children" - David Foster Wallace
Music suggestion for this reading: Rona Nishliu - Suus
In "Incarnations of Burned Children," David Foster Wallace has created a story that almost anyone can relate to, not in the situational aspect of the piece but more along the lines of the characters that represent a different, almost-universal aspect of personhood. The child is in constant pain throughout the piece and responds by screaming, a violent cry for help that cannot necessarily come, even with the aide he does receive. The mother is panic. What can she do? What can she do? It's an automatic response to a situation one wasn't prepared for, and it's a dangerous position, especially for the one that is in pain.The father is action. He doesn't necessarily know what should be done, but he knows something needs to be done, and thus he acts to change the situation.
In this way, they are universals, traits that all people understand and all have likely experienced, possibly even all successively. The structure of the piece helps to confirm the ties these universals have to each other. Instead of breaking traits and thoughts into neat paragraphs and long but simple sentences, the piece is organized into one long paragraph that encompasses the whole story and ties every long, panicked sentence with the previous one. Everything is tied together into an inseparable package, becoming one organic scene that manages to incorporate seemingly-unimportant images in a way that makes them as indispensable as the scene that is playing in front of them.
Even the ending, which seems to indicate what happened to the child for the rest of his life, seems to be integrated organically, creating a oneness with the rest piece despite it being a statement of the rest of the child's life in half a sentence. In this way, the scene became like a defining moment in the child's life, possibly even the child's earliest memory that shapes how he sees the rest of his life.
In "Incarnations of Burned Children," David Foster Wallace has created a story that almost anyone can relate to, not in the situational aspect of the piece but more along the lines of the characters that represent a different, almost-universal aspect of personhood. The child is in constant pain throughout the piece and responds by screaming, a violent cry for help that cannot necessarily come, even with the aide he does receive. The mother is panic. What can she do? What can she do? It's an automatic response to a situation one wasn't prepared for, and it's a dangerous position, especially for the one that is in pain.The father is action. He doesn't necessarily know what should be done, but he knows something needs to be done, and thus he acts to change the situation.
In this way, they are universals, traits that all people understand and all have likely experienced, possibly even all successively. The structure of the piece helps to confirm the ties these universals have to each other. Instead of breaking traits and thoughts into neat paragraphs and long but simple sentences, the piece is organized into one long paragraph that encompasses the whole story and ties every long, panicked sentence with the previous one. Everything is tied together into an inseparable package, becoming one organic scene that manages to incorporate seemingly-unimportant images in a way that makes them as indispensable as the scene that is playing in front of them.
Even the ending, which seems to indicate what happened to the child for the rest of his life, seems to be integrated organically, creating a oneness with the rest piece despite it being a statement of the rest of the child's life in half a sentence. In this way, the scene became like a defining moment in the child's life, possibly even the child's earliest memory that shapes how he sees the rest of his life.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
"A Different Place" - Robert E. Lee
"A Different Place" begins with the narrator learning that his family has been in an accident while on vacation overseas. Throughout the rest of the story, he comes to learn that one character, Derick, died, and he watches his family cope with the loss. A lot of the story seems to be about the psychological effects of violent loss on a person's psyche, such as the guilt felt by the father due to being the one driving at the time of the accident.
I really like the dynamic you have with the family. I can tell that they are important to each-other without being obsessive. The interactions between the narrator and the father seemed, for the most part, realistic and important to the piece in its entirety. That's always a great thing. I also like the first two sentences you used to open the piece. The use of the time markers helps to both give a sense of dread and establish both setting and plot.
One area where I'm not sure how I feel is the ending. I kinda like the idea of the narrator ending with the line that makes him feel partially responsible for Derick loss. It also ties in with the opening really well. However, it doesn't feel like a full ending.
I wonder if this lack of closure stems from my feeling that the narrator shouldn't be the main character. I think the most-important character in the piece seems to be the father, and the narrator is nothing more than a observer, watching the events unfold. I don't really feel that the main character is allowed far enough into the main conflict of the plot to have more than a tertiary role in the development of the plot and very little impetus for change. Perhaps you should change to the father's perspective?
Another suggestion I have, which is just a small one, is to make sure that people understand that Liberia is a city in Costa Rica. I think that most people are going to assume the African country first. Also, while I like the large family, perhaps cutting down on the names would help readers attach names to bodies for the few that you really want us to learn, like the wife and step-mother.
I really like the dynamic you have with the family. I can tell that they are important to each-other without being obsessive. The interactions between the narrator and the father seemed, for the most part, realistic and important to the piece in its entirety. That's always a great thing. I also like the first two sentences you used to open the piece. The use of the time markers helps to both give a sense of dread and establish both setting and plot.
One area where I'm not sure how I feel is the ending. I kinda like the idea of the narrator ending with the line that makes him feel partially responsible for Derick loss. It also ties in with the opening really well. However, it doesn't feel like a full ending.
I wonder if this lack of closure stems from my feeling that the narrator shouldn't be the main character. I think the most-important character in the piece seems to be the father, and the narrator is nothing more than a observer, watching the events unfold. I don't really feel that the main character is allowed far enough into the main conflict of the plot to have more than a tertiary role in the development of the plot and very little impetus for change. Perhaps you should change to the father's perspective?
Another suggestion I have, which is just a small one, is to make sure that people understand that Liberia is a city in Costa Rica. I think that most people are going to assume the African country first. Also, while I like the large family, perhaps cutting down on the names would help readers attach names to bodies for the few that you really want us to learn, like the wife and step-mother.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
"Kids" - Alyson Smith
"Kids" is about Jenny, a girl that is visiting a Bible camp with a menagerie of other girls. These girls fall into a range of people, most of them showing that they're not very-good Christians in some form or fashion. Meanwhile, there is small-scale drama over the girls that like different guys and relationship drama that ensues.
The piece manages to be fun and an easy read in most parts. This is an accomplishment when one considers the number of characters that appear in the piece. It rarely seems ambiguous as to who is speaking of where. However, the main character is named Jenny. The girl who becomes the antagonist character is named Jenna. That gets confusing, and it's an extremely easy fix that I'd think about changing one of their names.
The insider's view of young-girl's culture is interesting and helps to establish the mindsets of the characters, but besides Jenny, all the girls seem to be one character that can be called "conglomerate of early teen girl." I'd like to see a character or two get cut to make room for development of the remaining characters in the group. Jenny, herself, seems really cynical, almost like she's given up on trying to fit in with the other girls or sees herself as better than them. It was hard for me to relate to the her because she came off as unlikable in many points of the story. I'd suggest putting some points where she looks up or envies another girl to make her more rounded and human.
The piece manages to be fun and an easy read in most parts. This is an accomplishment when one considers the number of characters that appear in the piece. It rarely seems ambiguous as to who is speaking of where. However, the main character is named Jenny. The girl who becomes the antagonist character is named Jenna. That gets confusing, and it's an extremely easy fix that I'd think about changing one of their names.
The insider's view of young-girl's culture is interesting and helps to establish the mindsets of the characters, but besides Jenny, all the girls seem to be one character that can be called "conglomerate of early teen girl." I'd like to see a character or two get cut to make room for development of the remaining characters in the group. Jenny, herself, seems really cynical, almost like she's given up on trying to fit in with the other girls or sees herself as better than them. It was hard for me to relate to the her because she came off as unlikable in many points of the story. I'd suggest putting some points where she looks up or envies another girl to make her more rounded and human.
"Chase" - Molly Kirkpatrick
"Chase" is about a woman named Caroline. Caroline has human cytomegalovirus, and she's very jaded due to this infection. She is meeting up with the man that infected her, the ex-boyfriend Chase. Chase was one of those men that you'd call a player, a man that gets laid and moves to the next girl, a sister-chaser, the kind of man that would sleep with a girl's best friend the day after taking her virginity. That's Chase. Caroline, on the other hand, was a good girl. She never slept with anybody before Chase, and there was no way for her to get her disease from anybody. Anyway, they're meeting, and through flashbacks, we get an idea of what has created the jaded demeanor of the character.
The parts of this story that really work include the voice of Caroline. The way that she looks back upon her relationship seeps with "What the fuck was I thinking?" and "Boy, he was a jerk." She makes little comments here and there, such as "There was no question along the lines of, 'Are you in love?'", that makes it clear to the reader that she wasn't sure why she allowed this relationship to continue happening. Interestingly, the sarcasm seems to get both heavier and darker as the story continues. By the time she begins naming the zombies in the tattoo parlor, you know that she's regretting everything she did with him.
Another place where I think the piece shines is in its use of subtle characterization to make the reader have strong feelings about the characters in the piece. I don't know about anybody else in the class, but by the second time Felicia was speaking, I wanted to wring her neck and KILL THE WOMAN. The characters that I was supposed to dislike, I disliked strongly (while still recognizing in Chase mild redeeming qualities that prevented him from being a demonized character; there was no hope for Felicia). I also like how the morals of the protagonist are left completely ambiguous. The reader is left disgusted with the idea that she purposefully infected another to get back at somebody, while at the same time feeling the cynicism that led to the action.
However, there are plenty of areas in which the piece can be improved as well. One of the most noticeable examples comes in the use of syntax and grammar. There were a lot of areas where the wording seemed somewhat awkward, and it was ambiguous what the subject of a few pronouns were (that could dramatically change the meaning of the sentence). Jung's theory is left with no real explanation for the reader, and I had no idea what it meant in the meaning of the piece.
The character of Caroline also seemed to go through an informed change more than a noticed change. We are informed how she used to be this "good girl," but we're never shown it nor are we ever given any indication of a real change at the end. She made this action of revenge before the piece took place, and because of the viewpoint we're given of the character, the act of revenge isn't really unexpected, except for the fact that we're told that Chase was her first and that she got herpes from him. On that informed note, how did she get herpes from him but not Felicia? When did Chase get herpes? While cheating on her in the relationship? From the person right before her?
The parts of this story that really work include the voice of Caroline. The way that she looks back upon her relationship seeps with "What the fuck was I thinking?" and "Boy, he was a jerk." She makes little comments here and there, such as "There was no question along the lines of, 'Are you in love?'", that makes it clear to the reader that she wasn't sure why she allowed this relationship to continue happening. Interestingly, the sarcasm seems to get both heavier and darker as the story continues. By the time she begins naming the zombies in the tattoo parlor, you know that she's regretting everything she did with him.
Another place where I think the piece shines is in its use of subtle characterization to make the reader have strong feelings about the characters in the piece. I don't know about anybody else in the class, but by the second time Felicia was speaking, I wanted to wring her neck and KILL THE WOMAN. The characters that I was supposed to dislike, I disliked strongly (while still recognizing in Chase mild redeeming qualities that prevented him from being a demonized character; there was no hope for Felicia). I also like how the morals of the protagonist are left completely ambiguous. The reader is left disgusted with the idea that she purposefully infected another to get back at somebody, while at the same time feeling the cynicism that led to the action.
However, there are plenty of areas in which the piece can be improved as well. One of the most noticeable examples comes in the use of syntax and grammar. There were a lot of areas where the wording seemed somewhat awkward, and it was ambiguous what the subject of a few pronouns were (that could dramatically change the meaning of the sentence). Jung's theory is left with no real explanation for the reader, and I had no idea what it meant in the meaning of the piece.
The character of Caroline also seemed to go through an informed change more than a noticed change. We are informed how she used to be this "good girl," but we're never shown it nor are we ever given any indication of a real change at the end. She made this action of revenge before the piece took place, and because of the viewpoint we're given of the character, the act of revenge isn't really unexpected, except for the fact that we're told that Chase was her first and that she got herpes from him. On that informed note, how did she get herpes from him but not Felicia? When did Chase get herpes? While cheating on her in the relationship? From the person right before her?
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
"With Sweat Stripes Across Our Bellies" by Emily Feagin
"With Sweat Stripes Across Our Bellies" is about a woman that had moved away from her family years ago. During that time, Connie's mother has developed dementia and is having trouble functioning the way that she used to function. For example, she has forgotten recipes that the piece gives the impression she used to cook all the time and can no longer remember whether she has taken her pills. The conflict revolves around the narrator's feelings of regret for leaving her family and dealing with having a sick mother.
I think that the best part of the piece are the splices of dialogue interspersed throughout the piece. It breaks up the memories into sections nicely, creating easy-to-read sections. The dialogue also feels extremely realistic, and it seems that Emily did research the effects of dementia. It's really believable. The cooking portion, and the use of muscle memory also is a highlight of the piece for me, and I found that section to be well-written, well-developed, and extremely-important.
However, the piece falls a bit short at the ending. I don't really feel like the character changed that much, but instead, I feel that we're left wondering what's going to happen next with no expectations of how the characters are going to react. The story needs something more in plot to help the reader feel more tension and give the main character an opportunity to change.
There was also a small issue I had with the piece. What did the father do at U.S. Steel that allowed them to buy a piano for a dining room? U.S. Steel doesn't imply a high-wage job, so the idea of a dining room and a piano seem to be from a class just above where they should be. Did they save up for the piano? Considering that the piano has no bearing in the overall plot, I feel that this can be cut without issues. The glasses can be found on an end-table instead.
I think that the best part of the piece are the splices of dialogue interspersed throughout the piece. It breaks up the memories into sections nicely, creating easy-to-read sections. The dialogue also feels extremely realistic, and it seems that Emily did research the effects of dementia. It's really believable. The cooking portion, and the use of muscle memory also is a highlight of the piece for me, and I found that section to be well-written, well-developed, and extremely-important.
However, the piece falls a bit short at the ending. I don't really feel like the character changed that much, but instead, I feel that we're left wondering what's going to happen next with no expectations of how the characters are going to react. The story needs something more in plot to help the reader feel more tension and give the main character an opportunity to change.
There was also a small issue I had with the piece. What did the father do at U.S. Steel that allowed them to buy a piano for a dining room? U.S. Steel doesn't imply a high-wage job, so the idea of a dining room and a piano seem to be from a class just above where they should be. Did they save up for the piano? Considering that the piano has no bearing in the overall plot, I feel that this can be cut without issues. The glasses can be found on an end-table instead.
"Fortune" by Matthew Diaz
Matthew Diaz's "Fortune" is about a man that's watching television in his room when two men come in, shoot his dog, and rob him. Throughout the entire work, the narrator is just sitting on his couch and watching as they go through the motions of the robbery, contemplating doing something. Finally, at the end, after most of the things are damaged, he makes an action against the robbers.
The piece has an excellent plotline. It is hard to put down, and it's excellently worked. I love the flow of events and the observations made by the narrator. It's hard to argue against some of his similes and metaphors, such as the mausoleum teeth. I also like the constant references to the corpse of Duke throughout the piece. That shows that it really disturbs him, almost to the point that he can't believe it happened still.
Where the piece is weak, if you ask me, is in the use of some sentence structure and vocabularly. The use of words such as "concupiscence" and "invective" seem to be fake and writery in the moment, especially considering that such a high vocabulary disappears in the center part of the story arc before resurfacing at the end. It's kind of hard to believe the narrator using some of the words. Also, the piece could use a few more sentences. Two of the three paragraphs on the first page are one sentence long and full of "ands" to connect it. It flows well sometimes, but it's also distracting in the end.
There were some great revealing moments in the piece. The use of the television to reflect both feelings and to explain how he felt was great, and I wouldn't mind seeing it expanded upon. Overall, I was excited to read the piece though. Good job!
The piece has an excellent plotline. It is hard to put down, and it's excellently worked. I love the flow of events and the observations made by the narrator. It's hard to argue against some of his similes and metaphors, such as the mausoleum teeth. I also like the constant references to the corpse of Duke throughout the piece. That shows that it really disturbs him, almost to the point that he can't believe it happened still.
Where the piece is weak, if you ask me, is in the use of some sentence structure and vocabularly. The use of words such as "concupiscence" and "invective" seem to be fake and writery in the moment, especially considering that such a high vocabulary disappears in the center part of the story arc before resurfacing at the end. It's kind of hard to believe the narrator using some of the words. Also, the piece could use a few more sentences. Two of the three paragraphs on the first page are one sentence long and full of "ands" to connect it. It flows well sometimes, but it's also distracting in the end.
There were some great revealing moments in the piece. The use of the television to reflect both feelings and to explain how he felt was great, and I wouldn't mind seeing it expanded upon. Overall, I was excited to read the piece though. Good job!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
"Curtis and Deangelo" - Robert E. Lee
Robert E. Lee's "Curtis and Deangelo" follows the title characters as they spend time gambling in Las Vegas. Deangelo loses his leather jacket, and as they try to find it, we learn a bit about their backstory together. Both their father's (which I believe are different people) are in different hospitals, and Deangelo's father was in an accident with the family of a character known as Bishop that caused his hospitalization.
The voice of Curtis is easily the best thing about this piece. Some of his one-liners like "Pulls on your chest hair like duck tape" and "What happened to your ass? That just looks like a whole in your back," really add humor and gives the reader perspective into who Curtis is as a person, making him rounder and more-unique than many characters. However, I feel that Deangelo's voice pales in comparison to his. In particular, it seems that Deangelo never really develops a full personality, and the little bit I understand about him seems muddled. I think that may be because I'm not exactly sure of his relationship to Curtis. Are they extended family, family friends, just friends, something else?
Another thing that never fully becomes clear is the back story of the two characters. I understand that there was a car accident, but I was confused as to who was hurt and killed in it. There is mention here of a character named Bishop, but his fate and his relationship to the other two is never fully-elaborated. I felt that I could fully grasp what went on in their past. I would expand this section to make it more interesting.
Another area that I felt needed more clarification was who was talking. Some tags could clear that up right away without any major changes.
There's also one major anachronistic problem in the piece. When we meet Deangelo, he has his leather jacket, but when he realizes he lost it, they haven't separated. The character that we later find out took it was also met by Deangelo before he made it to Curtis. This means that he's searching for a second leather jacket, which I don't think was intentional. Overall, I would say clarity is the major issue of the piece.
The voice of Curtis is easily the best thing about this piece. Some of his one-liners like "Pulls on your chest hair like duck tape" and "What happened to your ass? That just looks like a whole in your back," really add humor and gives the reader perspective into who Curtis is as a person, making him rounder and more-unique than many characters. However, I feel that Deangelo's voice pales in comparison to his. In particular, it seems that Deangelo never really develops a full personality, and the little bit I understand about him seems muddled. I think that may be because I'm not exactly sure of his relationship to Curtis. Are they extended family, family friends, just friends, something else?
Another thing that never fully becomes clear is the back story of the two characters. I understand that there was a car accident, but I was confused as to who was hurt and killed in it. There is mention here of a character named Bishop, but his fate and his relationship to the other two is never fully-elaborated. I felt that I could fully grasp what went on in their past. I would expand this section to make it more interesting.
Another area that I felt needed more clarification was who was talking. Some tags could clear that up right away without any major changes.
There's also one major anachronistic problem in the piece. When we meet Deangelo, he has his leather jacket, but when he realizes he lost it, they haven't separated. The character that we later find out took it was also met by Deangelo before he made it to Curtis. This means that he's searching for a second leather jacket, which I don't think was intentional. Overall, I would say clarity is the major issue of the piece.
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